Because I Wasn't There
by Wecantstop99
Summary: He wasn't there for her when she needed him. He wasn't there and he could not live with himself if he was not there now. Elliot Stabler finally makes his reappearance at the trial of William Lewis.
1. Chapter 1

Hi Everyone! This is my first story I am posting on this site. I am a big E/O fan, and have a hard time watching the newer seasons because Elliot is gone. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf, not to me.

**Because I Wasn't There**

**Chapter 1:**

Months after the worst days of her life, after she fought so hard after to overcome what Lewis had done to her. Olivia Benson sat in a courtroom where she had earlier relived what had happened to her, in front of strangers, her colleagues and the man who occupied her nightmares since that fateful night a few months earlier. She now sat waiting for the jury's decision and she knew what is was going to be. They knew she lied, she knew they did, and she knew that he was going to walk.

The fear was so real. It was the same fear she felt when was taken those months ago. It was acute and she could not breathe, could not react, and could not feel. Her friends and colleagues had tried to talk to her, calm her, take her mind off of what was happening but she could not react. She knew that they had the best intentions for her, but she didn't want to talk to them. She didn't want to talk to anyone at all. Honestly she wasn't positive she even wanted to be living, because if he walked, she knew she might as well be dead.

She took a deep breath, and a cold medal object hit the skin on her chest. She forgot she was wearing it. She put it on at the beginning of the trail, after not looking at it for such a long time. Olivia wore it under her shirt, near her heart. She needed strength, needed grounding and she knew that if a part of him were with her, she would have that. It who he was to her, and although she had not seen or heard from him in over three years, he would always be that person.

To be honest, she tried not to think about Elliot Stabler all that often. It still hurt that he was gone and that he had not contacted her, especially after her whole ordeal with Lewis. But as much as it hurt, she knew how much she meant to him and how much he meant to her. It is one of those things you can't explain. They never talked about it, never had to, they just knew. She had moved on with her life, as she was sure he had as well, but their connection would never die and it was something she did not want to lose.

As she was thinking about Elliot, she grabbed the necklace, trying to steady her breathing and ground herself. The fear and tension was dissipating, leaving her body. She used to do this a lot when she first got the medal and she was still desperately missing her partner and best friend. Today the effect it had on her was stronger than ever. It was almost like he was physically there with her, which was impossible because she had not seen or heard from him in years.

Then suddenly, she saw Lewis enter the courtroom and stare her down. She looked away pretending not to notice. She looked at her nails and then phone, anything to distract her from his stare. She did not want him to think that he was important enough to have a second of her time, or worse that she was terrified of him. He did not even deserve any kind of reaction from her. A moment later the jury entered the room and the fear she was feeling a few minuets earlier had come back in full force.

As everyone settled down, the judge began to speak. It was the moment of truth, and she could not listen to a thing the judge said. She was still looking at her phone, trying not to lift her eyes; afraid people would see the fear. She was so tired of being afraid and so tired of people knowing she was afraid. It was not her, never had been and she hated who she was becoming. She was trying to listen to what was going on but she couldn't. She was sweating and not breathing. Everything was closing around her. Then suddenly her phone buzzed quietly.

She glanced at the screen and it was a text from an unknown number. It was absolutely the most inappropriate time to be checking her text messages, but she didn't care. She was intrigued. She opened the text on her lap, still clenching the medal around her neck.

"Semper Fi" the text read. She was pretty sure her heart stopped beating and she blinked a few times, eyes bludging out of her head. Even opened and closed the text a few times before she believed it was real. It could not be happening. She picked up her head, and saw Lewis staring at her, but she didn't care, she started looking around the courtroom. And finally she stopped when she found what she was looking for. A pair of beautiful deep blue eyes she had not seen in so long. She new just stared into his eyes, and he stared back.

Elliot Stabler was in the courtroom, he was there, in the flesh, and she could not wrap her mind around it. She didn't know what to do, but she could not stop staring. His eyes told her everything. She forgot how they could communicate with just a look, what is like, how it made her feel. And what he was telling her right now with his eyes was that her was here with her, for her, he was sorry, and that nothing in this world would ever hurt her again if he could help it. She could not help herself, her eyes teared and she gave him a small smile, one that he returned.

And then the juror spoke, and reality crashed back in. She had to take her eyes off him and turned to face the front, she quickly looked back to make sure she did not imagine him, and he was still there and gave her a small reassuring smile. She turned back waiting to hear the decision.

"On the charge of attempted murder we find the defendant … not guilty"

And with those words, her whole life felt like it was ending. She had lost and that bastard was walking out of here a free man. She held her breath and tried to keep it together as she watched Lewis hug his lawyer.. She felt an arm on her back and it was Nick, Brian was right next to him. It didn't matter though, she felt life leaving her body, and there was nothing either of them could do to stop it.

In the back of the courtroom as the jury announced their verdict, Elliot Stabler, clenched his fist. There had been only a few times in his life where he had been so angry and so scared at the same time. There as no denying what he felt for Olivia, what he had always felt for her. He knew it and he knew on some level she knew it. Hell everyone who had ever known them knew it. He had been nothing but a bastard for the last three years and he knew it. Killing Jenna had broken him. And by the time he was in a state to be anything to anyone, it was too late and Olivia had moved on with her life, and he did not want to cause her anymore heartache. It did not make it right, but she deserved better, she deserved everything.

But he had to be here today, he knew she needed him and he needed her. He needed to see her, to make sure she was ok. And he needed to protect her. It was his job and he failed her. When he heard her tell her account of what happened, he had to leave the room because he physically got sick. Now he was so scared of what that piece of shit would do to her if he got the chance. She was not safe and he was so scared. There was no way that monster was going to get away with this. He had never felt so much anger toward anyone in his life. It was a switch he could not turn off and he knew exactly what he had to do. So without a word he left the courtroom.

Olivia turned around to find Elliot, find her rock, but he was no longer there. All the fear she felt for Lewis, paled in comparison to the fear that Elliot had not actually been there and had been a hallucination. She could care less about what was going on around her, what her friends and collogues were saying or doing. She quickly checked her phone and she still had his text. So he had to have been there. Suddenly, the phone vibrated again, again the unknown number came up. She quickly opened the message.

"Semper Fi. I'll be back Olivia, I promise you I will be back. Please dont give up on me Liv. XO El"

And with that text Olivia finally broke down.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for reading! Keep giving it a try! I promise it will get better!

Disclaimer: I do not own SVU

Chapter 2

Elliot walked outside the courtroom with more anger boiling up in him than he could ever remember. But he was not sure whom he was angry at. William Lewis was a sick son a bitch who deserved to rot in a prison cell for the rest of his life. Scratch that, he deserved to suffer the most painful death for what he had done to his Liv. It made him sick to actually know what that son of a bitch had done to her. But as angry as he was at William Lewis, he was just at angry with himself. He was angry for not being there for her. Not being strong enough to go to her three years ago. For not being around last may to protect her from harm, she would have never been allowed to go home by herself, he would have made sure she was ok. And in the aftermath he should have been there to help her pick up the pieces. But he was too scared, he had been gone for three years, she had moved on with her life, had a new boyfriend and a new partner, she did not need him to come sweep in and mess everything up, especially because Elliot was not yet fully recovered from his ordeal.

Leaning back again the wall Elliot thought about the last three years since he left SVU. He had never felt so disconnected from the world. As he watched the life drain out of Jenna on the precinct floor, he felt the life drain out of himself. The only thing he could see were Olivia's eyes looking into his. Her beautiful eyes were the things that kept him breathing, but once that connection was broken so was he was floundering.

The next few weeks after the shooting Elliot took time off, but he barely got out of bed. Kathy would constantly nag him; try to get him to react to anything. She even went as far as playing Olivia's messages she was leaving on their home phone. Those few weeks, her voice in those messages was the only thing that gave him a feeling. Finally Kathy was so worried about him, she knew he needed help and that he needed to get out of SVU, because next time something traumatic happened Kathy did not think he could handle it, so she put his papers in. About a week after SHE put his papers in he finally snapped out of it, and was incredibly angry about the decision that had been made for him. But Kathy stood firm and told him that they needed to work on their relationship and their relationships with their kids. That would never happened if he returned to SVU or even the NYPD. Finally Eliot relented, as always, for the sake of his children

Although Kathy and Elliot tried hard to repair their marriage that had been on the fritz for the better part of a decade, Elliot soon realized that there was no repairing their relationship. It was in this time of rediscovery that he realized what everyone else had always known, the biggest reason his marriage would have never worked out. He was madly in love with Olivia Benson. It was this realization that not only allowed him to finally file for divorce, but it brought on the most devastating night of Elliot's life.

About 6 months after he had left SVU and 1 month after filing for divorce, he was still living at his home in Queens, getting ready to move out, when he had an attack inside of his head. Although he was not bed ridden as he had been the first few weeks after the shooting, he was still incredibly depressed. He missed Olivia, missed his job, his life, and the guilt of killing Jenna was still eating him alive. To top it off he was not sleeping and Olivia had stopped calling regularly trying to get a hold of him. He wanted so badly to reach out to her, to tell her he was not dead, that he was still there for her. But he was embarrassed. He did not want her to see him like this. She probably already thought less of him for leaving and for shooting Jenna, how could he go back to her in this condition. He knew he had to be the best he could be before he saw her again.

On the fateful Thursday night 4 of his 5 kids were home for the night and they had a nice night, together as a family. While trying to sleep on a couch he had a flashback, all of a sudden he was back in the squad room and Jenna had the gun and she was shooting. She was shooting at Liv and she shot her. It was so real and Elliot was in his head and could not get out. He had no idea what was happening, because next thing he knew he had hit his arm on something and he was on the ground bleeding profusely.

According to a doctor, he had an episode of PTSD. But he did not know that for sure until days later. What he did know was that he was walking around his house, with a large kitchen night, while his kids were home and he had no memory of it. He could have hurt one of his kids or his wife. The people he cared the most about. And this scared Elliot more than he had ever been He refused to sleep the rest of the night, and the next morning he was on the phone with Huang and was getting a referral to a PTSD clinic. He left Kathy a note and headed to Boston where he barely made it there without another episode. That was when he mailed Olivia his medal; he needed her to have the best piece of him he had left, and hold on to it. Within the next 3 days he had endured 6 additional episodes. Over the next year and a half Elliot would live in this clinic trying to overcome the demons that were eating at him.

It had not been easy, but Elliot had dealt with all of his baggage at this time. He had no idea how much his time in the Marines and in SVU had damaged his mental and emotional wellness. During this time he able to better himself in ways he had never imagined. Although it was hard being away from his kids, he eventually was able to explain to the older ones what was going on, and they fully supported him, making their relationship undeniably stronger. Eli was still growing faster than ever and was the light of his life; they would Skype every few days and Kathy would bring him up every other weekend so he was still able to have a good relationship with his youngest son. But through all of this time and self-healing, his goal had forever stayed the same, get back to Olivia and make amends, no matter what that means.

When Elliot was finally released, he was torn on what and who he wanted to be. But he did make the decision to return to NYC to be with his family and ever closer to the love and light of his life. After being back in the city for a few weeks he found out that she was yet again with Brian Cassidy. After seeing them together one night out, he saw her happy and smiling, and as much as it killed him, he wanted her to be happy. He would do anything to see her smile and if Brian would make her smile and take care of her than he would let her go. He did not want her to cause her any more heartbreak, so he would sacrifice his own heart.

After returning to the city, he needed to find a new career, one that took him away from the NYPD but still allowed him to help others. While in Boston, he met 25-year-old girl, ironically named Ella. Ella too was suffering from severe PTSD that she had suffered for years due to a rough childhood and even tougher young adulthood. They instantly bonded because he reminded her of her hero, her older brother Tony who was murdered right before she entered the clinic. And Ella reminded Elliot of his daughters and many of the victims that he had helped over the years. Together, they started an outpatient clinic for others who suffered from PTSD in Boston and NYC. They would travel all back and forth and all over the east coast to help others who have suffered in the way they had. Between the two of them they could relate to any person, and they worked well together. Ella often joked with him that he was using her because he missed Olivia as his partner, but the reality was that it was a platonic relationship that was so sibling-like that it was scary. They helped each other continue to fight their own demons and to get out of their comfort zone to be the best they could be.

It was Ella who had heard about Liv's kidnapping and helped him look for Olivia when she went missing. It was Ella who forced him to the hospital when after she had been found, although she had never known he had been there. It was Ella who made him come to court today and be there for Olivia and it would be Ella who would help him take care of Lewis.

It then hit him that although he was so angry with himself for leaving Liv, he saw the look in her eyes today. She needed him, she needed him to protect her, and to take care of her and make sure nothing would happen to her again. He would do it, because he was not there for her before but he would be there for her now.

He sent Olivia one last text saying "Semper Fi", before watching William Lewis leave the courtroom, and following him down the hallway and out of the courthouse. He would take care of this because he wasn't there.

XX hope you like it! i will update soon!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Dick Wolf does.

Chapter 3

It had been four days since the day at the courtroom, and Elliot had nonstop followed Lewis. He sat on him day and night, barely sleeping, barely eating. He was learning his routine but most importantly he was making sure he was going nowhere near Olivia. This is ultimately what drove him to stalk Lewis. As exhausted as he was, he would be damned if he let that animal near Olivia while he slept.

While sitting outside of the residence where Lewis was staying, the car door opened and Ella got inside, handing him a cup of coffee.

Elliot looked over at her. "Thanks"

"What are you doing Elliot" Ella asked.

"You know what I am doing" he replied. Not looking at her.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? What is your end game here? You can't follow him around forever." Ella told him

"I don't know El. I just can't let him get away with this. I can't let him near her. I am so scared that if I close my eyes for a second he is going to get away and get her." Elliot said taking a deep breath, calming himself.

"Elliot breathe, please." Taking a minute to pause. " I know what you are thinking and what you are planning. Are you sure it's worth it? To risk not only your life, but all of the progress you have made."

"I don't have another choice. I need to keep her safe. I should have been there. Should have protected her. And I left, I was not strong enough and she got hurt in the process. So now I have to protect her. And the only way to do that is to eliminate the problem."

" Elliot you were a cop you know how these things work. But this is murder, cold blooded murder, not I shot someone in the line of duty, murder. And I know you think it is justified but its still murder. You could go to prison, not to mention what is the fall out going to be mentally when it's all over. You've fought so hard, don't throw it away. Olivia wouldn't want you to. If she cares for you half as much as you are for her…"

"I love her Ella. More than anything else in this world."

"I know you do. But that doesn't justify murder. We can get him some other way. He will strike again, or do something…"

" So someone else gets hurt in the process. I don't think so. I dedicated most of my life to SVU I know how these guys work and I refuse to let someone else, or Olivia gets hurt because of it. I would do anything to protect her. "

"Elliot…."

" We have talked about this before, and you know how much I care about you Ella. I would do anything to get my hands on your stepfather. To cause him as much pain as he caused you when you were a child." Elliot stared right into her eyes. " If given the opportunity I would not think twice. You know that. We have talked about it so many times, and I know you would kill him too. " Tears were now in Ella's eyes. " I feel the same way about this. I need to do this. For her, for me, for all the others he victimized, and everyone else who he will victimize. You read the articles, saw the police file and the trial. You know what he did. I can't let him… I can't. I would do anything for the people I love"

They both had tears in their eyes. Grasping at each other's hands.

" Okay. Why don't we do this. Let me sit on Lewis for a while. You go home get some sleep, clear your head. And if you still wake up tomorrow and want to kill him, I won't stop you. Hell I will even help you."

"Ella I can't let…."

"And I can't let you do this alone. We are a team and I would follow you to the end. But please first go home. I promise I won't let anything happen on my watch."

Elliot sighed hesitantly. "Okay. I will be back in the morning. And we can figure this out"

"Good. I parked my car back there. Call me in the morning and I will let them know where I am. Oh and call your kids. Kathleen and I went jogging yesterday and she is worried about you." Ella leaned over and kissed his cheek before getting up to leave."

Elliot laughed. "Ok I will. And Ella. Thank you" Ella smiled at him as she left the car.

Elliot sat and thought for a second. He needed to sleep, he was so tired, but he did not think that he could actually sleep, not when he was so worried something would happen to Olivia while he slept. Right then, knew where he needed to be, not just for him but for her too. Looking at his watch he knew where he needed to be, so taking a deep breath he took off, knowing exactly where he would find Olivia.

Meanwhile, Olivia was not doing so well. Since the trail and Lewis being set free, she was constantly on-edge. She hated being alone, but she was so tired of everyone coddling her. She did not ever spend time in her and Brian's apartment alone. That was just not going to happen, but Brian was driving her nuts, they had just spent too much time together.

She also was not sleeping in the apartment. She could not even close her eyes when she was there. The only place she felt safe was in the station. There was no way Lewis would ever get in there, even at night he would never be able to get in. So Olivia would only sleep in the cribs. When she did sleep, she never slept for long, the nightmare where getting worse. Even when Brian would crash in the cribs with her she still only managed to sleep for a few hours before she would wake up with a nightmare.

And to make everything worse, she still had not seen or heard from Elliot since the day in court. No texts, no calls, not sightings, nothing. It is hadn't been for the texts she would have convinced herself that it hadn't happened. She did not need any more heartache and that's almost what this was. But his last text message gave her hope, ""Semper Fi. I'll be back Olivia, I promise you I will be back. Please don't give up on me Liv. XO El" she has probably read it a thousands times. _Please don't give up on me_. As much as she hated to admit it, she had never given up on him. She couldn't and she was hoping that this time, this text message was not false hope.

Tonight she was in the cribs, Brian had to work, and she did not want to be in the apartment by herself, so she came to the station. Did some paperwork, re organized her desk, trying to wear herself out until she was tired enough to go to sleep. When she was there at night, one of her coworkers would stay, to make sure that if she needed anything someone was there and that Lewis would never make it anywhere near her. And tonight it was Cragen who was on watch. Olivia smiled at him as she pointed to the crib. He smiled back, knowing she needed the reassurance.

She lay down and taking deep breathes, and then pulled out her cell phone, reread Elliot's text message and took hold of the necklace around her neck. She heard footsteps behind her, and went still, to scared to roll over. When the bed bent under the weight of another she went ridged, afraid to breathe. When she did, her senses where heightened. She knew that smell. Then a hand stroked her arm, she new that touch. Then the body lay down behind her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. Her back was pressed up against his chest. She looked down and saw his hands. She loved those hands, so strong, and safe. She watched him beat perps with those hands, but comfort others with them. They always made her feel so safe, and right now they were a godsend.

Tears started to well up in her eyes, she felt so safe, for the first time in months. Fuck months, years, since he left. She breathed deep as the arms held her tighter, and she felt his breathe on the back of her neck, and as well as his tears. She slowly turned over and looked into the tear-filled bright blue eyes of Elliot Stabler. Elliot tightened one arm around her, and gently wiped the tears running down her face. "Liv" Elliot said breathlessly, the only thing he could get out. She looked so beautiful, but so sad and scared, he missed her so much. When Olivia heard her name, she buried her face in his neck, breathing him in and let the tears fall. He was there and he was holding her. She was safe, and he was THERE.

Elliot pulled her closer, and held her tight and cried too. " I am so sorry Olivia. I'm so sorry" Held her tighter as she cried, eventually the tears subsided and they both just lay there holding each other tight. And it was at this point that they both fell into a deep sleep, finally together.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry it took so long. Hopefully you like it!

Disclaimer: I do not know SVU

Chapter 4:

Elliot and Olivia slept for a long time, both desperately holding on to each other. When Elliot finally woke, he looking down and watched Olivia sleep for a while. She looked so peaceful and he had missed her so much. Tears filled his eyes as he realized how much he had missed her, and how sorry he was that he was not able to protect her. Tears streamed down his face and eventually a few dropped on to Olivia's face. Olivia began to stir and Elliot slowly wiped his eyes and her face.

As Olivia awoke she buried her head into Elliot's neck moaning a little bit as she did. "Is this a dream?" she whispered. Elliot smiles and held her tighter. "no" he replied "this is so real Liv."

Olivia smiled into his neck before once again looking into his deep blue eyes that were still a little cloudy from the tears, but very much Elliot's. "Hi" Olivia whispered again.

"hi" Elliot responded, his voice flooded with emotion looking into her big brown eyes. They stared at each other for a long time. Having a conversation with their eyes, like old times, there was no need for words. Olivia told him how much she missed him and needed him. And Elliot told her how sorry he was and how much he missed her. Above all, their eyes told the other how much they loved one another. There was no hiding it anymore. After over a decade of suppressing feelings, and all everything they had been through during their time apart, they could not hide the feelings and emotions anymore.

After while, Elliot knew he owed Olivia more than just a look, he owed her the world. So finally with a shaky voice, full of emotion Elliot broke the silence. "Olivia… I am so so sorry" Tears flooded his eyes again. "I should have never left you. Or when I got out I... I should've been there and I am so sorry. I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I am so sorry Liv. Please forgive me." Tears were streaming down her face and were heavily in his eyes. Olivia held him tighter and Elliot tightened his hold on her as well. Elliot whispered "im sorry" over and over as he held her tight for a while, Olivia crying with him.

When they both finally settled down, Olivia picked her head up and stared into his blue eye. Elliot reached up and swept her hair behind her ears, and continued to stroke her face. "I missed you so much Olivia, I am so sorry" Elliot finally broke the silence.

"I missed you too El" Olivia replied, "I am so happy you are here now, please don't leave me Elliot. I need you" Tears again trickled down her cheeks and she gripped him tighter.

"I am not going anywhere ever again. I will be here for you and I will protect you. I promise you. Please forgive me Olivia, I promise you I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you if you let me. Please let me Liv. Please forgive me." Elliot replied looking straight into her eyes.

Olivia looked into Elliot's eyes and could see the deep pain behind them. His pained eyes mirrored the pain she knew he saw in her eyes. Even after three years apart they could still feel the others pain, their connection ran so deep. She put on a small file and answered him " I can forgive you Elliot, I can, I just need to know what happened to you. Why did you disappear? What did I do to make you not want to see or talk to me? How could you leave?" Her voice was shaky trying to keep her thoughts together and her emotions under control. They had cried enough.

"Liv…" Elliot stuttered. "Baby, you did not do anything wrong. I have so much to tell you Liv, so so much. But I promise you, you did nothing wrong. I never wanted to leave you. Everyday I was away from you I have felt like a piece of soul was missing. I have so much to tell you, so much has happened. But Olivia I swear to you none of this is your fault. It was my fault, I was weak, and I am so sorry I was not strong enough then to stay. But I am now. " He smiled shyly at her, and Olivia lowered her forehead to his so they were connected.

After a few more moments like this. Olivia let out a small laugh and picked up her head. "What?" Elliott responded. "You called me baby" Olivia replied, and again let out something that was a mix between a laugh and a giggle. Elliot's face turned red and he nervously replied "uhh.. Liv.. im sorry I didn't mea.." Olivia didn't let him finish. She put a finger on his lips and smiled at him. "I liked it." she replied and now it was her turn to blush. Elliot smiled brightly at her and at that moment he knew that they were going to be okay, and maybe even better than okay.

"Why don't we get out of here" Elliot suggested. "We have so much to talk about and we probably should do it somewhere other than the crib." Olivia stiffened and Elliot noticed. "Liv don't worry, that son of a bitch is not getting anywhere near you. If he tries anything I will make him suffer unimaginable pain."

"Its not that El" Olivia started rambling. "I know you would never let anything happen to me. I feel safer with you than I do with anyone else. I just don't want to go back to my place, Brian is there, and I don't want to see him, I'm not even sure I want to be with him anymore, I mean I care about him but there isn't a future I don't think.. I don't know El." She was rambling now "And I'm sure Lewis knows where I live. And I really just want to be alone with you, and I don't want to interrupt your family and your family life…. i don't know where to go we should probably stay here…."

"Whoa Whoa Liv slow down. One thing at a time, number one, we do not have to go back to your place, I don't really have any desire the see Cassidy right now, I just want to spend time with you. And you can figure out things with Cassidy when the time comes, there is no rush. Two, Lewis hasn't gone near your place, I have been following since the minute I left the courtroom, and now I have a friend sitting on him and I would have been told if anything had happened. And lastly, we can go to my place and you will not be interrupting anything because Kathy and me split. I am officially divorced and living on my own. There is no one else Liv."

Olivia sat there stunned before she responded "Elliot… I am so so sorry. What happened? Are you okay? What about the kids?" Olivia rattled off question after question, feeling horrible. She knew how much his family meant to him, and how hard he fought to keep them together.

"Liv, its okay. I am completely fine. I will explain everything to you, lets get up and go grab some takeout and head to my place. And I will explain everything." Elliot reassured her. They both slowly moved to get up, arms around one another. Once standing and straightened out, Elliot released his grip on her, and headed to the door. Before he could reach the door, Olivia laced her hand through his, keeping a hold on him. He squeezed her hand and she squeezed back, both smiling at each other and reassuring each other that they were together and they were going to stay together.

Walking out of the crib, and back to the squad room, Elliot froze and took a deep breath, struggling due to the last time he was in this room. He had walked through it briefly to get to Olivia, but he had been so tired and so eager to see her. Cragen had seen him come in and pointed him to the crib, and he was like a zombie and walked straight to the crib. This time it was different. He was well rested and well aware of his surroundings. Olivia felt his change is stature and squeezed his hand tighter to reassure him.

"Let me grab my stuff real quick and let Don know what is going on and then we can go." Olivia assured him. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah" Elliot responded quietly and nodded at her. He was trying to keep calm, and using many of the strategies he had learned, and now taught about battling the memories and symptoms of his panic attacks and PTSD. 'Ella would be proud of him' he thought. "shit" he mumbled under his breath, and quickly picked up his cell to text her.

'Everything good? What's going on?' Elliot texted quickly.

'All good. I am assuming you went to see Olivia. Take your time getting back; make sure you talk to her. I have Lewis' Ella texted back pretty quickly.

' I hope you know how much I love you' Elliot replied

'As much as I love you. Now go get your girl' and with that text Elliot shut his phone and put it back in his pocket waiting for Liv to talk to the captain. A moment later, leaving Elliot with his thoughts for only a short time, Olivia and the captain emerged.

"Elliot" Cragen addressed him as he walked towards his former detective and embraced him like a brother.

"Captain, its good to see you" Elliot replied.

"Elliot its Don, you are no longer under my command. I am glad to see you finally got your head out of your ass and came to see her." Don told him with a stern look. "Or let her see you"

"What?" Olivia looked at Elliot and her captain with questioning eyes.

" When you were missing Elliot looked everywhere for you, he searched from the minute we knew you were missing. I called him. And then when we found you, he sat by your bedside all night while you slept. But he would not let me tell you that he had been there." Don explained.

Olivia looked at him in shock "why?..."

"I didn't want to mess up your life, or make it anymore complicated at the time, I just wanted to see you, but I didn't want to upset you more by being there. And I guess I was also afraid that you would never be able to forgive me. I'm so sorry Liv"

"Elliot, I always wanted you with me. I still do" Olivia looked at him and took his hand again.

"I will leave you guys to continue to catch up. Elliot, I don't think I have to tell you that no harm should come to her when she is with you." Don looked at him expectantly.

"Captain, you know I wouldn't let that happen" Elliot replied sternly.

"Okay then, good night you two" Cragen responded before retreating to his office.

"Ready to go?" Elliot asked Olivia, and she just nodded, still a little shocked with everything that had taken place in the last few hours. And with that they headed back to Elliot's.


	5. Chapter 5

It has been forever! Sorry I hope you like it! Please review!

Disclaimer: I do not know SVU

Chapter 5:

Elliot and Olivia left the precinct hand and hand, neither saying a word until they got into the car. When they reached Elliot's car, Elliot grasped for Olivia's hand and squeezed. He was pleased when she squeezed back.

Elliot started to drive before he broke the silence. "Are you hungry? I don't have any food really; the kids were over this weekend and ate me out of house and home. I have beer, wine, coffee, tea and that's about it."

"I'm okay. I definitely wouldn't mind a glass of wine, if we get hungry maybe we can order something" Olivia replied.

"There is this thing called delivery" Elliot mocked, quoting her from years before when he mocked her for having no food in her house.

"haha" Olivia gave his a face and he chuckled. "how far do you live?"

"Not too far, probably take us about 15 mins"

"When did you move in?" Olivia asked, unsure of what to expect when she got to Elliot's.

"I bought the place when I moved back to New York, so it's been a little over a year now."

Olivia raised her eyebrow, she had heard him mention that he had been somewhere but she had no idea he had not been in the city. To be fair, she did not know ANYTHING about what happened the last few years. She quietly asked "where were you before that?"

Elliot took a deep breath "Boston"

Olivia looked at him with her skeptical face.

"Liv I promise I will explain everything to you as soon as we get to my place."

"Okay…" Olivia sighed "did you like Boston?"

Elliot laughed "sometimes, but they have horrible taste in sports teams"

"Forever a Yankee" Olivia laughed

"Damn straight" The chatting died down and they drove in silence, their hands still clasped. The silence was not awkward but comfortable, like it had always been. Olivia felt more comfortable than she had in years, despite the absolute fear she felt for the outside world. And then she realized that when she was with Elliot, there was no way Lewis was ever going to get near her. Her eyes tears a little at the thought. She sniffled a little and Elliot squeezed her hand harder. "Olivia what is it? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing" she said as she wiped her eyes "I'm just so glad you are here"

"Me too" The rest of the drive was short and they soon pulled up to a nice looking apartment building.

Elliot led her inside and up to his apartment. He quickly unlocked the doors and ushered her inside. As they stepped inside, Olivia jumped at the sound of the security alarm. Elliot chuckled "sorry, old habits die hard" He turned and typed in the security code, 4015. Olivia noticed the numbers he typed in and looked at him skeptically. Elliot smiled at her "sorry it's a number I would never forget and few people would know the significance". Olivia had no words and stared as Elliot continued into his apartment and turned on lights.

"Make yourself at home." He said as they walked into the spacious living room, that had a large wrap around couch, large TV, along with bookshelves a few toys in the corner which Olivia knew had to be Eli's. It was homey and Olivia instantly felt comfortable and like she was at home. "What would you like to drink? I have red and white wine, beer …" Elliot called as he walked into what she could only assume was the kitchen. She quickly glanced into the kitchen which was also a really nice size, and had a table with plenty of chairs.

"Umm red wine would be great if you don't mind" Olivia replied, the pictures hanging on the wall catching her eye.

"No problem, I will grab that and then we can talk" Elliot called back.

Olivia started looking over the pictures that were hanging on the wall. Smiling faces of him and his kids lining the wall. As she walked down the line she saw a face of a girl she didn't recognize, it was a picture of Elliot, Kathleen and this girl and they must have just finished a road race. Kathleen had her head back laughing as Elliot was hunched over, the finish line behind him and the very pretty brunette laughing patting him on the back laughing as well. The next picture caught her eye, it was a picture of them, from a few years ago, they were at a bar, for what she thinks was a celebration of some sort and they were both a little tipsy, meaning that they were standing closer than normal and surprisingly smiling for the camera. She had no idea who took the picture or how he had it, but they looked so happy. His arm was around her waist and she was leaning into him, it was something that she always pretended never happened. He had been married and he was her partner, and no matter how much she wanted him she could not have him.

"I love that picture" She hears Elliot say from behind her, holding her wine and his beer.

"Me too" she whispers back.

He hands her the wine when he asks "do you want to see my favorite picture?"

"Sure" she responds. He takes her hand, and leads her down the hallway. They walk into his bedroom, and he flicks on the lights, walking over to his side table and picks up a picture and hands it to her. It is a picture from his birthday from when he was separated from Kathy the first time. It was of him, Olivia, Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie and Lizzie. They are all smiling at the camera and he and Dickie have frosting all over their faces from the mini food fight they had started. His two oldest daughters were laughing behind them and Lizzie was sitting in Olivia's lap. Olivia smiled at the memory. "How are your kids El?"

He sighs "they are great and getting so old! It's hard to believe that a fuck up like me made such amazing kids"

"Elliot, you are not a fuck up" Olivia says adamantly.

"Liv how can you say that? After everything that has happened? Everything I put you through? I let you down, my kids down and myself down"

"Elliot you are here now, it is all the matters. I told you that."

"Do you want to talk now?" Elliot asks. Olivia nods her head and Elliot takes her hand and leads her back out to the living room and sits down on the couch. Olivia sits next to him and turns to face him. He took a deep breath "it all started after I shot Jenna. I was a mess. I couldn't eat, or sleep or do anything. It was like I was in a trance, Kathy tried to help, and get me to snap out of it but it was like I was empty. I honestly do not remember too much from those few weeks. What I do remember though is your voice. I don't even know if I was awake or sleeping or what but Kathy would play your messages and I would hear your voice and all of a sudden there was light in the dark. She threatened to call you but she could see that I was done with SVU, it had taken too much, and if something else had happened on the job it would be all over for me. So she went to Craven and submitted my retirement paper. She forged my signature and everything. I didn't know she had done it until the papers were completely processed and it was too late. That was originally why I didn't come in to tell you. Obviously when I finally snapped out of it I realized what had happened and was furious. We fought about what she had done and how I wanted to go back to work, but she eventually convinced me that I couldn't go back to work, and that it was time for me to give her and our family a real chance. After a while I agreed. I had to try and make it work, it was my family."

"Of course you did El that is the kind of man you are. I could never fault you for that." Olivia reassured him. Elliot smiled back at him.

" Yeah well that didn't last too long, after trying to repair our marriage, Kathy and I realized that we were no longer right for each other and we hadn't been for a long time. We were like two really good friends who lived together and shared a life. And that is when we decided to call it quits. It was for the best. I couldn't love Kathy the way she deserved to be loved. She has found someone else, and I am so happy for her. She smiles now in a way I was never able to make her, and that's how I know we made the right choice."

Olivia smiles sadly at his revelation. Elliot continued "Even though I was functioning at this point I was still very very depressed. I was going through the motions and not living. I wanted to reach out to you so bad Liv, I really did, I used to listen to your messages over and over. I listened to every single one. I wanted to see you and talked to you, but I was so embarrassed and guilty for the way I had left, for how depressed I was. It was awful. I vowed that I would make my way back to you but I needed to get better first. This was harder said than done."

Elliot started shaking a little and his voice hitched "it was about 6 months after I had left, Kathy and I were getting a divorce, and I was getting ready to move out, we had the kids over, all except Maureen, and we had a great night together, we had dinner, played games and watched a movie. It was the first time I had started to feel better. It soon became the worst night…" Elliot was visibly shaking at this point and Olivia moved closer and grasped his hand.

"It's ok El, you can tell me." She whispered.

Elliot took a deep breath "I've gotten better at telling the story but it is never easy" He stalled before continuing "I blacked out, one minute I was trying to sleep on the couch, and the next I am in the squad room and Jenna is shooting, then I am back in the Marines, or on a crime scene, and it is you they are shooting at. It still haunts my dreams at night. The thought of you lying on the ground in a pool of blood and I am on the ground with you. It was so real. So So real" Tears are in his eyes trickling out and Olivia's are streaming down my face. Elliot continues "the next thing I know I am awake and in so much pain. I am in the hallway near the kid's room, I am holding a knife and I had cut myself. I was wondering around my house with a huge knife. My kids were home, Kathy was home. I was right outside of Eli's room. What is something had happened to him. If I had done something. I was so so scared Liv. I immediately walked downstairs, cleaned my cut and the knife, grabbed a few things and left. I left Kathy a note explaining everything that I would be in touch soon. I went to a hotel and locked myself in a room and called Huang. I needed help. I was so scared. He referred me to a PTSD clinic in Boston. He pulled strings and was able to get me admitted the next day, so I drove up to Boston. It was a pretty exclusive clinic and they had strict rules about contacting people. And I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to contact you for a while, so that is when I sent you the medallion. I needed you to know that I still had your back and you still had mine. By you having that I felt like you were giving me strength. And I needed you to have the one last good thing I had. I am so so sorry Liv that I wasn't stronger. That I left you with just my medallion. It wasn't fair to you. You deserved better especially from me. That isn't what you do for your best friend. That isn't want you do to people you love. I am so sorry Olivia." Elliot sobbed and Olivia immediately was in his arms with force, crying with him.

"God El. I am so sorry" Olivia sobbed into his chest, grasping at him. She could not believe what had happened. How could she not have tried harder to get in contact with him? She pulled herself closer and they both held each other until they calmed down.

Part 2 of their talk coming soon. I will update much sooner that last time I promise! Please review if you don't mind!


	6. Chapter 6

After a while of just holding each other, Elliot pulled back and whipped his eyes before reaching to wipe Olivia's. Olivia smiled shyly at him, looking into his eyes, before starting to speak. "I had a similar experience before El, even before Lewis, with PTSD I mean." Olivia stumbled over her words a little. Elliot head snapped up, his eyes still teary. "What?" he responded.

"Yeah it happened a few years ago, I had a blackout. It was after …" she hesitated, and Elliot filled in the blank "Sealview" he finished. "Yeah" she said a little ashamed. "It took me a really long time to get over and I never really told anyone, so I understand what you were going through and how hard it is. You handled it better than me. You got help immediately." Elliot looked up at her "I always knew something happened in that basement" he hesitated "did he…" finally asking the question that he had wanted to ask for so long. Olivia sighed, "no he didn't rape me, and neither did Lewis. But there have been too many close calls" Olivia's eyes started tearing up again, and Elliot immediately pulled her into his arms.

"shhhhh, its ok, I got you." Elliot whispered into her ear. "I promise Olivia, I will never let anything happen to you ever again. I am so sorry, I promise I will protect you." Olivia continued to shake in his arms until she calmed down as he whispered comforting words to her. They just held each other on the couch for a long time before Olivia spoke.

"What was the clinic like El? And you said you got out a year ago, why didn't you come see me when you got out?"

Elliot sighed. "I did try to come to see you, when I got out of the clinic I finally made the decision to come back to NYC. I considered staying in Boston, fresh start you know." He paused. "but my kids are all here and I had been away from them for long enough, and I wanted, no NEEDED to be closer to you. After my first week back I came to see you but I saw you coming home from a date with Cassidy, and you looked so happy. I couldn't just come back into your life like that, after not speaking to you for so long. I know I would upset you. I just wanted you to be happy Liv and if that meant I had to stay out of your life to make that happen then I would. I would do anything you asked Liv."

"Well you should have asked if I wanted you in my life Elliot" Olivia said, getting a little angry. "you know me. Better than anyone else in the world, but for some reason the one thing you don't know is how I feel about you. I would have been so angry with you when you came back. I would've yelled and probably punched you, but I would never once tell you that I don't want you in my life. As much as you hurt me, I need you El." She was shaking with anger and hurt and just started punching Elliot's chest. Elliot let her until she ran out of steam and fell back into his arms. They stayed like that for a long time before Elliot lied them down on the couch and they fell back asleep.

A few hours later they woke up to a cell phone ringing on the counter. A little groggy Elliot and Olivia looked at each other and mutually decided to let whoever was calling to just go to voicemail. They laid on the couch for another few minutes. Olivia's head was on Elliot's chest and Elliot playing with Olivia's hair. Finally Olivia broke the silence "This is the first time I have slept more than an hour without having a nightmare. You make me feel so safe El"

Elliot looked down and smiled at her "I am so happy that I can make you feel so safe Liv. I want to protect you and make you feel safe." He smiled down at her. "The nightmares will go away, his face will fade and you will be stronger for it. You just need to remember that you beat him, you did not surrender to him and that will live with him forever. I am so proud of you Olivia and you need to be proud of yourself. It's ok to breakdown sometimes because you are human and you had such awful things happen to you. But no matter how many times you breakdown, you will get back up, because you are made of something so much stronger than him, and he couldn't take that from you. " Elliot finished his little spiel, and looked down at Olivia, she had silent tears streaming down her face, her hand was gripping his t-shirt but in her eyes he saw awe, gratitude, understanding and what he hopped was love. He smiled back at her "And I know I haven't been here Liv, and that I broke your trust, but I promise from here on out I will earn your trust back and I will be here to pick you up when you need to and remind you of how strong you are and how much you mean to me. And I know you are with Cassidy and I know it is inappropriate because you are with him, but you have to know how I feel about Olivia. How I have always felt about you." Elliot stared into her eyes and all he could see was love. He took his hand and slowly wiped the tears out of her eyes. She finally smiled up at him and then snuggled into his chest. " I know" she whispered, her next words were muffled and he could barely hear them "And you have to know how I feel about you too Elliot". Elliot smiled down and pulled her closer. They continued to cuddle on the couch just enjoying each other comfort and support.

After a while, the peace and quiet that they were enjoying was interrupted by Elliot's phone ringing again from the kitchen. He ignored it but whomever was on the line kept ringing. "ughh I don't want to get up" Elliot moaned. Olivia finally pulled herself off of him and sat up and then tried pulling him up too. " it doenst seem like they are going to stop calling, why don't you pick it up and get rid of whomever it is and we can go back to cuddling." She blushed and smiled at him as she said the word 'cuddle'. A huge smile lit up his face and he squeezed her hand before he got up to get his phone. She kept the grip on his hand and pulled him back before he walked away. Her smile was matching his, and Elliot couldn't stop himself from leaning down and placing a small kiss on her forehead before smiling and walking to the kitchen to get his phone.

By the time he got to his phone it hard starting ringing again. He could tell by the name it was one of the people he had been working with recently. His particular man was suffering from PTSD from a stint with the army. Elliot only knew few details about the exact mission but he knew all about the incidents that happened to this man abroad that had broken this young man. Elliot knew he needed to take this call. "Stabler" Elliot answered the phone.

From the living room, Olivia heard the familiar sound of him answering and it made her smile. It was something she always looked forward to when they worked together, and something she had desperately missed. From the living room she could hear parts of his conversation.

"Hi Jim, how are you?"

"I'm good! What's going on. How was your sisters wedding lastweekend? You were so excited for it."

…

"that is so good! I am glad! No episodes? Rage? Wow that is wonderful, im glad the breathing is working."

…

"yes we are having a session next week. Ella is here from Boston too so you will get a double whammy."

…

"hahahaha yes I know you like it better when she is here. It only because she is so pretty"

…

"you should move to Boston. She does much more there than she does here and then you can get your flirt on"

…

"Okay buddy keep up the good work and I will tell Ella you said hi… Okay bye"

Elliot sighed and shook his head. Before he walked out to Liv, he quickly texted Ella.

"Hi! Everything okay? You are a saint. Jim called and is so excited to see you this week ;)"

She responded immediately as Elliot was walking back out.

"yep everything is good. Lewis is still being a bum. Want to rendezvous later? And please stop encouraging that man, he is literally a stage 5 clinger. The poor guy. "

Elliot responded laughing as he sat down on the couch. "yes lets rendezvous in 3 hours?"

Elliot put his phone down. And smiled at Liv taking her hand back. She looked at him questioningly. "Who was that?"

Elliot smiled back at her. "I guess we should talk about what I have been doing since I got out."

Olivia nodded vigorously. She was intrigued after is phone call and all of his confessions during their talk.

"So when I got out of the clinic. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I knew I couldn't go back to the force but I did know I still wanted to help people. I met a girl in the clinic. She entered right around the same time I did, and we bonded pretty quickly. She was only 25, but she as just so broken, but there was still something in her eyes that couldn't die, and you could tell. She was quiet at first. We used to sit and watch tv for hours neither one of us saying anything, I knew nothing about her and she knew nothing about me. I guess she saw the same thing in me that I saw it her. After a while she started to talk, about her life, her family. She had been through the worst ordeal. Her father died as a child, her step father ran a prostitution ring and tried to force her into it every change he got. Her only saving grace was her brother who used to get beat and abused for sticking up for her. The story gets so much worse, but in her escape to college and abroad for undercover work with the company, she ended up getting in too deep and her cover was blown, they killed her brother in front of her." He looked up and Olivia was wided eyed. "When we got out we decided that we wanted to help others who suffered and continued to suffer in silence. So we decided to start an out patience clinic and support group so that these people felt less alone. We took classes and seminars, and got a few certifications and started this clinic in Boston and New York. Ella wanted to stay in Boston, but I couldn't bear to be away from my kids and you for any longer so we decided to do both. It has been great. We hold meetings and speak at conferences. It has been super rewarding between the two of us we have helped over 2000 people in the last year. "

Olivia was stunned "Wow El. That is.." she was speechless "amazing, you are amazing"

" Thank you Olivia. I couldn't just give up on helping people."

"I know you couldn't. That is the kind of person you are." She paused briefly, asking the question that she had no real right to ask but couldn't help herself. "Um El… Are you and Ella…" She couldn't bring herself to say it.

"No." Elliot interrupted quickly. "No we are not, were never and will never be. She is 25 for god sakes. I am not High Heffner. And there is only one woman I have ever really wanted." He smiled at her. " We are more like family than anything else. When we were in the clinic, she reminded me of my daughters and brought out the fatherly playful side of me. And for me I remind her of her brother, her means a lot to me, and my kids are all friends with her, she is part of my family. I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me, but it isn't romantic I promise."

"Okay" Olivia responded " will I get to meet her?" " Yes, absolutely. She is actually in town right now. She is on a little mission. I have to meet with her in a few hours. Maybe we can work something out for you to meet her soon. You would really like her, and I know that she would LOVE to meet you. She has heard so much about you."

"What is she doing right now El?" Olivia asked, she was intrigued by this girl and wanted to meet her, she wanted more insight into Elliot's new life. Elliot shifted getting a little uncomfortable and disconnected eye contact. Olivia knew something was up " Elliot where is she?"

"She relieved me last night from my post." He replied cryptically.

"Elliot" Olivia said sternly. Elliot sighed. "she took over for me watching Lewis"


End file.
